The Splendiferous Tales of the 118th

4/2/2024

Ah, the good old days! It seems that nostalgia is big on social media. We'll see a meme reminding us about how great our childhoods were. What great music we listened to. And the joys of riding our bikes until dusk and not having to worry about bad men hiding in the shadows. I suppose that as we age and lunge towards the inevitable, we find solace in what once was.  Times were simpler then. We got our local and world news at 6 pm every night and the newspaper filled in any gaps that a 2-minute story couldn't cover. Most of us knew the names of some world leaders, there was the Queen of England who, in my lifetime, had always been the queen. Gandhi's name may have caught my ear but India was on the other side of the planet. Of course, we knew the presidents such as our disgraced Richard Nixon, the "fill in" Gerald Ford, the Southern Democrat Jimmy Carter and "Tear down this wall," Ronald Regan. But besides these main guys, did we know anyone else on Capitol Hill? I mean, really know? Did we know our state senators? Our district congressmen? I suppose their names were mentioned in the papers now and again when there was an occasional ribbon cutting but the truth is, keeping close track of our representatives wasn't something we did. Boy have times changed! The new members of Congress have been making a name for themselves in the most nonsensical and outrageous ways possible. Ringling Brothers & Barnum and Bailey Circus may have shut down operations years ago but have no fear, we have a new version! 

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, I bring to you, directly from Washington D.C, the ostentatious, the brazen, the melodramatic, the hyperbolic and absolutely splendiferous 118th MAGA Republican U.S. House of Representatives! Brought and paid for by the Ringleader in chief, Donald Trump.

Step right up people! As you have never seen before! In a world full of lions and tigers entertaining the masses, have you ever seen a wolf performing in Congress? Let me introduce to you to, the wolf himself, Anthony Santos! Aka, Anthony Devolder, aka, Anthony Zabrovsky, the ex-drag queen, gay turned straight turned gay again, volleyball star, NYU grad, Wall Street financier, multimillionaire, son of a 9/11 survivor, turned representative for New York's 3rd congressional district. Yes, Anthony Santos. Straight out of the gate there was something fishy about him. Santos had some skeletons in his closet, the ex-drag queen being the one he denied the most. The party of family values had no room for anything drag, so he did what he would become famous for, he just lied and said it wasn't him. And even though he admitted being openly gay, he claimed he was married to a woman for years. He also stated that he was Jew-ish which begs the question, what does that mean? However, the media followed him everywhere and Santos ate it up. He actually left donuts and coffee for a group of journalists he was expecting one morning. He spent campaign money on Only Fans, was accused of money laundering, walked around with a toy baby doll (no explanation given for that stunt) called himself the Republican It-Girl and after Santos heard rumblings that the house was going to kick him out, he swore he would never leave. One week later, he was expelled. So long Santos! 

Have no fear people! We have more sideshow reps to present to you! If you're looking for a spectacle of the female persuasion, let me direct you to another human oddity...the self-described MAGA maverick, South Carolina's Nancy Mace! Mace claimed from the start that she gave "zero fucks" what her colleagues think of her, apparently that feeling spread to her staff some of whom have quit in record numbers complaining that Mace was controlling and abusive. Mace also subjected her staff -uncomfortably - to tales of her bedroom life, in detail. But Nancy would do or say anything to get her an interview on Fox, Newsmax or OAN, all far right leaning media outlets that love to cater to the belly aching of the GOP and MAGA aficionados. One of the things Mace is famous for is a flair for her "fashion sense." She once wore a jacket that had 3 strips of tape across the back with the words:  “My state is Banning EXCEPTIONS Protect CONTRACEPTION.” Yes, thank you Nancy for sticking out and letting your opinion be known everywhere. And who could forget the time she wore a "scarlet A" a-la Hester Prine because she was being "demonized for her vote and voice as a woman!" That gave her another 15 minutes of fame. What clearly took the cake had to be the explosive response she gave George Stephanopoulos on "This Week" after simply being asked how she could support Donald Trump who had been found civilly liable for rape. Being a rape survivor, and oh so Nancy-centric, she did the damn thing and made it all about herself. “I find it offensive," she yelped. “As a woman, I find it offensive. I endorsed the man that I believe is best for our country. It’s not Joe Biden." Ok Nancy. You've endorsed the man who was found civilly liable for rape then. Of course, daddy Trump found this offensive too. Considering how, second to golfing, his favorite hobby is initiating lawsuits, this spawned lawsuit number 3,501 or 2.  I don't think his lawyers even know. She's still on Capitol Hill finding ways to be relevant.

But ladies and gentlemen, you haven't seen the big show! Built to astonish! Built to amaze! Congress' most terrifying creature....more terrifying than the two headed woman, the lion faced girl or the incredible Spidora! A woman so repugnant, so despicable, so unlikeable, that even the sound of her voice sends chills up one's spine. A name even people devoid of any political ideology recognize, the Georgia Congresswoman that most of America wishes would take a plane to a remote island and never come back, Margorie Taylor Greene. MTG, as she's known as, from day one has done just about everything to make sure her crazy light would shine! There were the Jewish space lasers that she insisted were intentionally setting wildfires in California, 9/11 was an inside job, Sand Hook and Parkland shootings were staged and let's not forget the coup de grace Donald Trump is secretly fighting a worldwide child-sex-slavery ring that was supposed to culminate in the mass arrest of his political opposition. But if ole Marge was just pushing crazy conspiracy theories, it would be easy to brush her away as another right-wing lunatic. Marge is of the unhinged persuasion. The day after Joe Biden took office, she submitted articles of impeachment! The man's chair wasn't even warm but ole Marge had to show her loyalty to old Trumpy and get that gold star! But wait, there's even more! She claimed that teachers teaching children about racism is a form of child abuse, she also said in four or five generations no one would be straight, she called wearing face masks during COVID being equivalent to Jews wearing the star of David during the Holocaust, she compared Trump to Nelson Mandela, backed up Trump's big lie about the 2020 election, claimed there was no insurrection on Jan. 6, said that Ashley Babbit was murdered and she makes a pilgrimage to the imprisoned insurrectionists with the staged empathy of a B actress in her breakthrough role. MTG is a liar. MTG is a conspiracy theorist. MTG is an attention seeker. It goes without saying, Marge is a horrible, horrible little woman who loves her soundbites on social media and her 5 minutes on Newsmax. Who cares if it's true? Reality means nothing to lawmakers like Margorie Taylor Greene.

Oh, but fans, there are so many, many repugnant MAGA Congressmen and women that can make your heart pound with fear! You can spend days in the House of Republican Horrors and find strange, crazy, cretins that would make your stomach turn. Creepy Matt Gaetz and his weird sexual encounters with minors, Paul Gosar, such an unpopular guy, six of his siblings can't stand him, Katie Britt, whose State of the Union response made us wonder if she was auditioning for The Handmaid's Tale and let us not forget the man who was finally chosen as Speaker of the House after 21 days of indecisiveness, Mike Johnson. The man with the disturbing smile whose teenage son checks his porn consumption. Yes folks, these are just a few of our paid representatives.

The circus tent is officially open for your observation. Let's get our money back and close this MAGA nightmare for good.